Old profile

*How I am using #BPAL to improve my health:*

I have bipolar disorder and a lot of anxiety issues. I also have mild
tendencies of OCD when I am manic, and issues with maintaining attention to
tasks. This shapes up to a lot of complication and extra stress.

Lately I have been buying and swapping perfume oils from _Black Phoenix
Alchemy Lab_ and some other smaller companies. BPAL is one of the only
places I can reliably buy perfume, and the other smaller companies only
have a few that I can try without headaches or allergic reactions.

Why does this matter?

First, I rarely put perfume on first thing in the morning because of John's
sensitivities to perfume. So at work, I put on my perfume and take my daily
morning medicines for my bipolar, and any pain medicine I need to take.
It's a good way to remember, because I remember to put on perfume more
easily than to take my medicine (no idea how that works!).

Second, getting the packages in the mail are a huge highlight for me,
especially when they are surprise gifts from the people in my BPAL circles.
I don't get a lot of personal mail, and they always come with tea or a card
or note, and it's just very sweet. It also gives me the opportunity to send
gifts out! Sometimes scents don't work for me, but they work for others, so
I bundle them up and mail them. This is really nice.

Last, the organization is fun. It's fun to go through the bottles and imps
and sort them by type or by preference, smell ones that I can't remember if
I like, all that stuff. It gives me one small space that I can have total
control over and organize however I want. That's actually really meaningful
to me. It gives my brain some space.

Do you have little rituals or habits that keep you healthy and sane?

-BCS

Yesterday, I attended a memorial for my brother-in-law's baby, who died
after living about 15 minutes, after having to be delivered at 5 months
because my sister-in-law had pre-eclampsia.

I hate funerals.

I hate funerals for many reasons, not the least of which is because I don't
feel like it's the right response to death. I prefer to celebrate life, and
it's difficult to do so when you're thinking about how the person is dead
now, how horrible, let us all cry together. It has been a month since the
baby (Alexandra Laurel) died, and it took me like two weeks to be able to
think of it without crying. I never thought I would care that damn much,
but I know most of it was: anger that she had died, because that's fucking
ridiculous; annoyance with people using God's will or God taking her into
his care as justification because fuck that; and most of all, feeling
guilty because I couldn't do anything to help or comfort my family members
who were suffering.

This guy I worked with once told me that he thought grief was selfish. The
only reason we grieve is because we are sad the people aren't there with
us. If we believe in an afterlife, isn't the afterlife better than life? If
we don't believe in an afterlife, isn't it just the natural way of things?
People live and die, and it's tough to let go, but I find myself struggling
more with holding on to lost loved ones than trying to move on.

The funeral was difficult. It was outside on a hilltop in the cold wind.
The sun came out as they were scattering the ashes. There was a single tree
and a cross with a few benches in front. TGWs mom wanted a photo in front
of the cross after so we did one, but I hated it and it made me frustrated.
I didn't want a photo. I don't want to have that lingering feeling, I don't
want to memorialize that.

There were a lot of other feelings mixed in, too, like, seeing people we
don't see often that we have history with and coping with that, struggling
because of the lack of closeness we have with other people. I felt like we
were this still satellite, orbiting this tight-knit group, always just far
enough away to not mess with things. That's how it always is. We're always
just out of reach.

I kind of like being out of reach because I don't want to care about
people, I don't want to love people or want to be near them. It is easier
to be separate. I sometimes feel better when I'm not trying to spend time
with people, when it's just TGW and me, doing our own thing. Okay, I
*often* feel
better.

Last night, we met up with brother-in-law and sister-in-law for dinner. We
talked about stuff, but not some of the important stuff. I mentioned how
I'm struggling to be close with my niece and nephew (not the toddler &
baby; the teenagers (15, 18) - my sister-in-law on TGW's side's kids).
Everyone responds with, oh, but they are teenagers! But, I hate that. I
remember that feeling, being a teenager and feeling separated, so I want to
push through that, to try to have a relationship with them. I am just
terrible at it.

Halfway through dinner, though, something happened.

I have been waiting about a week and a half for the depression to kick in.
I knew it had been coming, slowly inching. I just wasn't sure when it would
be fully realized. But in the middle of dinner, like someone threw a
switch, there it was. That sadness. The steak I was eating was no longer so
delicious, the wine tasted like vinegar when it had a few moments before
been sweet.

I'm tired of depression. It makes work harder, it makes school harder, it
makes everything more difficult and more exhausting. The worst part is that
I don't even want happiness to replace it.

I want calm. I want to feel nothing. Just, washed of anger and washed of
happy and washed of sadness. I don't want to feel.

I've shared an item with you:

Untitled document
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1lIYjwXf4GHtpuzYpVukV8pAqQKs5jwFbfylxO3rUnBI/edit?invite=CPPq4bQP

It's not an attachment -- it's stored online at Google Docs. To open this document, just click the link above.

My very first blog post on the biggest power a player has in gaming has
been posted on Gaming as Women! Check it out:

Saying "No" <http://gamingaswomen.com/posts/2012/09/saying-no/>

Attached: Thirsty.html
Sent using Google Docs http://docs.google.com/

I wrote a story today that I wanted to share. Nightmares are a plague, but nothing rids me of the aftermath anxiety than infecting others.

Recent events in my online and offline experience have brought to the
forefront of my mind a memory that I thought I had solidly forgotten. It's
a moderately traumatic one, and one that I had hoped to never think of
again. It was from a time when I was the most vulnerable. Here's the thing,
though. I know the value in people sharing about their experiences with
assault (of any variety). I know that being open and exposing the things
that happen to me is part of being a transparent person. A part of me knows
that there is value in telling people - both for me, and for other people.
On top of that, I'm typically an honest person who keeps little under
wraps. I encourage being public about everything, because I am generally of
the opinion that it keeps you honest and that without secrets, life is
typically easier.

I'm not going to share this story.

I don't want to discourage other people from sharing their experiences, or
from reporting sexual violence (or any violence) - I really do think that
reporting things and talking to someone (a friend, family, or a therapist)
is always the best way to deal with this kind of situation. The thing is,
this memory is a fuzzy one and it is not very recent. This leaves a lot of
possibility for error in my explanation, and vague descriptions, which I'm
not comfortable with. I also know that with telling my story will come the
risk of the same type of harassment I have seen other women receive online.
There might be the accusations that I made it up, or that I'm exaggerating,
or that I deserved it. After all, I know what kind of person I was when it
happened - but that doesn't make what happened my fault, even though I
still have trouble acknowledging that fact.

I could choose to just tell people I know to help myself get through this
difficult experience of remembering, but I even fear their reactions -
maybe just the little inklings that I feel about it, that I should have
fought back harder or that I should have been more responsible. It also
risks the dismissal of my experience - that it wasn't as bad as other
people's, or that my feelings don't matter, or that I should just get over
it. I can't go through that. I know now that I will have to refuse to put
myself in situations where I will risk my emotional health, and that it
might be difficult to do, but any difficulty in that would be heartily
trumped by not knowing how severely this recollection has affected me and
the possible repercussions of my own emotional ignorance.

The fact is, the only important thing is that I am another woman who has
had an experience no one should. I was assaulted by someone I knew who took
advantage of a damaged emotional state, and it has made me realize that
there are a lot of changes that need to be made in the world. It has made
me remember one of the many reasons I have lost trust in other people, and
remembering it has changed *me*. I understand now why so many women never
tell anyone about their trauma, and I'm very sorry that I didn't before.



/bcs

Ingredients:
One small head of cabbage (about the size of a small musk melon)
6-8 medium size beets
1.5 Cups Miracle Whip
2 tablespoons yellow mustard (I used Heinz)
1/2 cup Fennel (chopped)
2-3 teaspoons Kosher salt
1/2 cup red wine vinegar
Pepper and paprika to taste (about 1/2 tsp each for mine)

Slice beets thin (1/8 in.) and cut in half, depending on size. Slide
cabbage intro strips or dice. Put in bowl with vinegar and salt, mix/toss
and let sit for about 4 minutes. Drain vinegar, add Miracle Whip, mustard,
fennel, pepper and paprika. Stir and put in fridge for 3 hours. Enjoy!

I have had a lot of acquaintances and some decent friends and some good
friends. I admittedly go through friends pretty quickly, and did so
especially as a teen and pre-teen. After starting working at my day job, I
have actually managed to build some pretty awesome relationships, which is
something I did not expect (especially since I have trouble building
relationships with peers, especially females, and because I work in a very
different environment than my upbringing prepared me for).

I was lucky enough to meet Colleen <http://www.scrapandrun.com> early in my
time at this job. She is one of my favorite people because I never feel
weird around her. I can talk about *anything at all*, no matter how strange
or potentially judgmental it might be. She never makes me feel like my
expectations are too high or like I am stupid. Even though she's way
smarter and more precise than I am, and even when I'm kind of a shitty
friend, she never acts like I'm less of a person than she is. I don't feel
inadequate around her because she always wants to be friends with everyone.

She works really hard and she's actually changed me a lot as a person for
the better. She helped me literally get back on my feet after being injured
and sick, pushing me to start walking and get out there. She's encouraged
me to work out and to do things in NA-YGN and other organizations. She
helped me learn that numbers aren't always bad - seeing her daily data
encouraged me to learn a little more about how the numbers of my body
worked. I also learned a lot about clothes with her. She let me go to the
mall and pick out clothes that I knew would fit her and would look good on
her, and helped me to integrate more bright colors into my wardrobe.

How many people can say they have a friend of a short time (just a few
years) that has changed their perspective on so many aspects of their life
in such a good way?

On an unfortunate note, Colleen is moving to California, which is literally
as far away in the country as you can get (aside from Hawaii and Alaska). I
keep on feeling like I didn't get enough time and that I should have tried
harder, and I know that's I should have, but I'm feeling a lot of complex
emotion about it. First, I'm super excited for her husband who got an
awesome job at Google, which I'm a little envious of and wish the best for
him in. Second, I'm excited for their opportunity to live in an area that's
more suited to a healthy lifestyle (with the chance to bike to work and be
in a more walkable community). Third, I am excited for the change! It's
always exciting when something new happens, and I think that Colleen has a
chance of getting an awesome job there, because I know she is a dedicated
person and that she will perform excellently in whatever she tries to do.
Fourth, it makes the prospect of visiting them in California a fun
possibility, even if it's a way off. However, in opposition, I'm so sad to
see her leave.

I have never had a friend I was so close to that I saw as much of and knew
so much about move so far away. I have had an experience where I thought
this was happening, but there were so many other negative emotions mixed up
in it that it just wasn't this kind of weird emptiness and struggle to
imagine time without them. When Laura left for Texas, I was sad, but we
didn't see each other a lot even though we're close and return to
super-friends as soon as we see each other again. I've had friends move
away, acquaintances move away, but no one with whom I feel this strong of a
kinship. It has been such a confusing bundle of emotions to deal with
because the excitement is still pretty overwhelmed with this sadness.

I've never had this experience before. It's a new one and it is definitely
a difficult one. I know it will help me grow and that I will still be able
to see Colleen's life every day on her blog, which I am grateful for, but I
will miss her a ton, and I will miss Dave, too. It feels like part of
growing up; I just hope it doesn't ever mean growing apart.

There is apparently some conflict over Zuckerberg's relationship agreement
with his wife.<http://pittsburgh.cbslocal.com/2012/05/23/facebook-founders-relationship-agreement-sparks-discussion/>

I actually think a relationship agreement, for people in high-stress, busy
lives, is a GREAT idea. Legally enforceable? No, but it helps to set
relationship expectations and gives you something to return to to
reevaluate what may be failing when you are having relationship trouble.

Think of it from this perspective: It helps you be mindful of what your
partner needs.

Dr. Gary Chapman has written about five "love
languages"<http://www.5lovelanguages.com/learn-the-languages/the-five-love-languages/>
-

*Words of Affirmation*

Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love
> language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words,
> “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your
> spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily
> forgotten.


> *Quality Time*

In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full,
> undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but
> really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and
> tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved.
> Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially
> hurtful.


> *Receiving Gifts*

Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts
> thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you
> speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known,
> you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to
> bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty,
> thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday
> gestures.


> *Acts of Service*

Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely!
> Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts
> of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to
> hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making
> more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t
> matter.


> *Physical Touch*

This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language
> is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the
> back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or
> face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love.
> Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can
> be unforgivable and destructive.



I learned about these at Strong Bonds, and I think they are one of the most
valuable things I learned about in those sessions. Why are these important,
and what do they have to do with relationship agreements?

I think communication is one of the most important things in relationships
(second to trust), and the evidence provided by researchers certainly
supports that idea. These love languages force us to understand our own
preferences, and what makes us happy in a relationship and what makes us
feel loved, and also push us to listen to what our partner cares about,
what makes them feel valued and loved. Maybe your partner really needs to
hear you say "I love you" every day. Or, maybe they need you to hug them or
give them a kiss in the morning to feel like they really are loved. I, for
example, feel the most loved when TGW makes me a cup of coffee - especially
if it is without me asking - and I need to hear him say he loves me a *lot*.
He likes hugs and when I actually sit and listen to him and focus on him
(quality time).

You could easily use these love languages to establish a relationship
agreement. Maybe you need to have a specific amount of time each day or
each week where you sit and listen to your partner talk about something, or
where you do something very special for them - even if it is just something
simple like rubbing their shoulders while they work on a project or telling
them something to express how you feel about them. People in busy
lifestyles really can forget these little things.

Imagine how busy Mark Zuckerberg must be. It is hard even without being an
executive to find time for dates, dinner together, and simple
taking-care-of-each-other measures. I can't fathom how easy it must be with
his schedule to lose sight of how much time he needs to spend with a
significant other - even if he wants to, he has a business to run and many
people are motivated by the desire to maintain a happy lifestyle for their
partner, with the thinking that if they don't keep their lifestyle, the
partner may not have the things they want to be happy. It is an easy trap.
But, with a relationship agreement, it says:

"This is what is important to me. Set aside time for these things, and then
> we can be flexible with everything else. This is what kind of love I need,
> what kind of time and effort I require from you to be happy."


They say relationships are hard and that they don't come with a manual.
Wouldn't a relationship agreement kind of be like a manual? I think I want
to make one with TGW, even just an informal one. With our busy schedule, I
think we could really benefit from it. Revisiting our love languages like
we did when we first got married and setting goals with those can help us
to be happy and fulfilled, and happiness is *always* the right goal.


-bcs

I saw some articles today regarding a potential law in California for DNA
Privacy<http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=california-considers-dna>.
It's an interesting concept. I mean, in all honesty, yes, our DNA does
belong to us as individuals. However, if we agree to allow it to be used
for scientific research, how much could it impede progress of the research
if they had to keep coming back to people or keep finding new people to get
consent to test for new things?

And really, is family medical history really that big of a deal?

I guess my questions are: Is more legislation worth the administrative
costs and time lost for research facilities, just to protect your genetic
data? What is the harm in your genetic data being accessed? How open-ended
would contracts with researchers have to be in order to make it feasible to
continue their research without losses?

The University of California has submitted a formal letter objecting to
> the bill, estimating that the measure could increase administrative costs
> by up to $594,000 annually—money which would come out of the cash-strapped
> state's General Fund. The university has also expressed concern that its
> researchers would suffer competitive losses in obtaining research grants.


That is a hell of a lot of money. Between that and the money spent
preparing and debating this bill, which is worth it: constantly monitoring
the use of DNA, or more rapidly and more affordable answers to questions
about diseases and genetic predispositions to illness? Is the solution
instead to create some sort of DNA copyright where any use of our DNA and
genomic data that results in profit results in effective royalties to us?
There is a concern that insurance companies would use our information to
create higher cost brackets. First, we already share our family history
with insurance companies, and second, why wouldn't we just have to agree to
them having access to it, just like when signing a release form to a
scientific research facility?

If I signed over my DNA in an agreement that tied my name to it, all I
would want is a regular update of what it was being used for - I wouldn't
want to share my DNA anonymously.

What do you think?