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[personal profile] bravocharliesierra
Because I want to share today with people, even though it's nothing special:

Today is fucking weird.

I realized I didn't have homework which is awesome. However, TGW has to
work all the work and do all the school. I went from having 12 hours of
work a day to absolutely nothing today. (This will change next week, I'm
told.)

I was sick for enough days that I couldn't keep my medicine down (it makes
me nauseated in the first place, so when my stomach is upset it's pointless
to take it - never in my body long enough), and then forgot it for two
days, so I've been almost 5 days without medicine, and then took it this
morning. The result is a weird buzz-like feeling with some lightheadedness,
nausea, and weird hyper feeling. I also had like no sleep last night, which
didn't help.

I have an emotional hangover from playing DramaSystem last night - I got
super anxious beforehand and stressed out through over half of it, but
overall it was a positive experience.

I talked to TGW last night about how I had a really uncomfortable
realization that I'm doing something I have always hoped would never
happen: I'm being late for things because of my anxiety. When I have to be
somewhere, no matter where it is, I get hyper-hyper-anxious and will take
way longer than necessary, meaning that I'm always at least ten minutes
late, which makes me MORE anxious. This makes me feel like a massive
asshole, irresponsible, and also very exhausted. It's something I've
witnessed in my family with other people who have anxiety, and it's super
frustrating. I don't want to do this. I don't want to be the kind of person
who lets my anxiety get in the way of my life, especially not the kind of
person who lets it make me a bad friend or bad gaming buddy.

I realized it is a big problem because it's keeping me from seeing people
who I'm friends with, it's stopping me from visiting friends, keeping me
from doing things I want to like going to the store, going out for drinks
or to play games with people, and even keeping me from doing important
things at work. It is keeping me from writing, keeping me from having *sex*,
and I don't think it's acceptable.

I can see the little damages it's doing to me professionally and
personally. Other people might not, but I notice - and I hate it.

I'll be making a call sometime this week to schedule an appointment with a
therapist, which I hate the entire idea of doing right now (because I am
anxious about going to the therapist, woo), and I think it's actually bad
enough that I need to consider anti-anxiety medicine. That's terrifying to
me.

Here's my question. *If you've ever made the decision to go on medicine
(for anything, physical or mental or emotional) or to go into therapy, what
helped motivate you to do it?*

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bravocharliesierra

May 2013

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