Mar. 26th, 2012

bravocharliesierra: (Default)
My life has not been that tough. In comparison to a lot of people,
it's been pretty great. I know that, and I'm thankful for it.

However, just like anyone else, I have gone through some things that
have hurt me. I have hurt other people. I have been changed completely
by the actions of other people and by my own choices.

Some of the things that have happened were bad enough that I had to go
to therapy. Bad enough that I had to return to taking medication,
completely change my habits and lifestyle, and totally change my
environment. In the end, they resulted in good things, but the
emotional damage is still there. The kind of emotional damage that
makes it hard for me to go to some events that I used to love going
to. The kind of emotional damage that makes me almost afraid to see
people I care about and want to spend time with, just because someone
else might be there. I feel anxious and panic at the thought of seeing
these people, not because I am ashamed of what happened, but because
they ran me through over and over.

It's horrible. It is not something I like to live with.

However, I've been working on dealing with it. The fact is that, in
the case of the things that happened, I will never be able to forgive
these people for what they did. I would imagine some of them,
including people that things happened a decade ago with, would never
remember or even care what they did. But I can't forgive them.
Damaging the things they did. Hurting me, or taking advantage of me.
The abuse is more than I could ever sit back and say "Yeah, it's okay.
I'm over it."

I'm working on something that is harder than forgiveness. Everyone
says it - forgive, but don't forget. I call bullshit. Forgiveness can
be one of the biggest lies anyone will ever tell. What forgiving
without forgetting means is that it will always be held onto, and that
the wound will never truly heal. That's crap. I don't want to deal
with that.

I want to forget.

I don't want to remember the things that hurt my feelings or that made
me scared or that left me depressed and filled with self-hatred
because of how much people hated me. I don't want to feel panic just
from seeing someone's face or name. I want Eternal Sunshine of the
Spotless Mind shit here. I want a wipe out.

So I'm working on it. Meditation and practice and just trying to
remember the positive points and erase the bad things. It's so fucking
hard. It's exhausting. But, I have to do this. I know that forgiveness
will never happen. I won't ever forgive myself for letting it happen
and the ways I contributed to the conflicts. I know for sure I will
never forgive these people, either. It's not that I wish bad things on
all of them (although there is one or two that I wish nothing but the
worst on, which I know will come back karmically). It's just that I
don't want them to exist in my mind anymore, and that I think the
things they did are unforgivable.

My goal is that by the end of this year, I will look at the new year
with no paranoia that I will lose all of my friends. I won't be afraid
of dying. I won't be scared that everything will be ruined by the new
year beginning. I want a new beginning for real, where the things that
weigh in my mind are washed away. I don't want to forget the lessons I
learned, but I want to forget the pain and the people, so that seeing
their faces and hearing their names won't make bile rise in my throat
and so that it will no longer make tears come to my eyes.

Don't forgive. Just forget. That's what I'll do.

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bravocharliesierra

May 2013

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